I'd die again and again for you (anywhere but here)

 I’d die again and again for you...

I have spent a lot of my life cutting pieces of myself off to keep others fed. Bleeding myself when they were thirsty; slicing and dicing till the ground would run red. I've spent a lot of my life lighting myself on fire to keep others warm.

It extends to everyone I know and is something I'm aware is truly my own fault and not something others of my peer group could be expected to recognize. I also recognize that I like to think I'm sacrificing something others who have been working to keep me stable have not so that I don't have to acknowledge how very taxing my own existence likely has been to many... and yet they hold on.

I had to flee to feel alive again. I spent a lot of time hopping from place to place, then made one final leap towards the vague outline of a future. It has both saved and ruined me in many ways, as most things manage to do to me.

Humanity is a deeply weird species. Which is partially what this whole song/ramble thing will be about! My mother used to tell this story of waiting out on the beach for her home planet to realize their mistake and come back for her and i think she's told me many many things that have been deeply impactful but that's one of the ones that stands out starkly. I too have felt this waiting room sensation that extends throughout my life. Every day, what am I waiting for? And why does this place always manage to feel like the wrong one?

Where is it that my being knows I should be? My body has always called for it; some kind of suspension of this state, a steady bleed into the next one, but I'm not foolish enough to cut this narrative short for the benefit of my own spotty and tempermental conciousness. She can handle her own damn self, thank you very much. I don't give in that easy, neither will she.

This life long battle, this near twenty years war, it grows infinitely tiresome. Especially when I realize one of the main battles has had me standing in an open field with nothing but a mirror. So, here's a long and desperate plea for escape, for retirement. For travel, for excitement.

To exist in a flesh other than my own, whatever form it wished to take; just anywhere but here.

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Anywhere but here

When I was younger i had a three panel window that sat in the far wall from my bed

Irrelevant details tend to sound poetic when you can’t get out of your head 

Fantasies of different worlds and places i could run

I could see different worlds overlaid onto the rising sun

Now, as I grow older, that’s yet to go away

The times and place have changed but the fantasies remain

I suppose the easiest way to put it 

Is anywhere but here

I’d die again and again for you

Anywhere but here

When I was younger I had a grotto in the back yard that we used to think was haunted

It never occurred to us to that it was the house we slept in instead

Brick walls replace prison bars and I sleep cozy at night

Counting how many of them I wish to have left

Now, as I grow older, that’s yet to go away

The times and places have changed but the fantasies remain

I suppose the easiest way to put it

Is anywhere but here

I’d die again and again for you

Anywhere but here

When I was younger there was a pitiful excuse for a man in my home

We called him by his titles and did what we were told 

I paid my dues and upheld his views 

All while ignoring how his words had blades

Ignoring a burning growing fire that begged to fade

Now, as I grow older, that’s yet to go away

The times and places have changed but the fantasies remain

I suppose the easiest way to put it

Is anywhere but here

I’d die again and again for you

Anywhere but here

I tried for you, I really did

I gave you all I had to give

And now you've bought a ticket to my future; a one way single ticket

I suppose when I imagined all this it always had you with me in it

And I tried for you, I really did

I gave all there was that was left to give
But still it seems that there’s a void in me that no words can ever fill
I was bled out long ago and nobody will pick up the medical bill

Now, as I grow older, that’s yet to go away

The times and places have changed but the fantasies remain

I suppose the easiest way to put it

Is anywhere but here

Anywhere but here

Anywhere, my dear

I'd go with you anywhere but here