takin it all for us

“Women are born with pain built in, it’s our physical destiny: period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives, men don’t. They have to seek it out, they invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we do very well on our own. And then they create wars so they can feel things and touch each other and when there aren’t any wars they can play rugby. We have it all going on in here inside, we have pain on a cycle for years and years and years and then just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes, the f***ing menopause comes, and it is the most wonderful f***ing thing in the world. And yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get f***ing hot and no one cares, but then you’re free, no longer a slave, no longer a machine with parts. You’re just a person.” - Fleabag    I, myself, am nowhere fucking near menopause but it doesn't...

       I nearly opened this post with "is anyone else perplexed by child stars" but as that statement has about the same intelligence as the statement "what's the deal with airplane food" I think I will rephrase.      Is it a regular feeling for most to feel as if cameras are set up in their home most of their childhood? When I saw the Truman show (at roughly age 10) for the first time I felt... validated, in the most bizarre of ways. My melodramatic existence is one that feels like it has to be scripted, or for show in some way. I have a lot of trouble conceptualizing that I exist within my own bubble and all agony is of no relevancy, really, but personal.       This is the case for everybody as well with their own angst. That's fucking awful, isn't it? You will be spoon fed reassurances of being surrounded by people but it will always be a lie. You are forever and always the only bearer of your experiences, nobody sits down to wa...

 “I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat.  What to like, what to hate, what to rage about. What to listen to, what band to like.  What to buy tickets for. What to joke about, what to not joke about.  I want someone to tell me what to believe in. Who to vote for and who to love and how to tell them.  I think I just want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father,  because so far I think I've been getting it wrong.” -Fleabag, s2  I think that having zero free will when you're a child heavily impacts your views of your autonomy for the rest of your life... but hey, maybe that's just me.      The man who lived in my house, who donned the mask of father from time to time, was very insistent on my being all 'safe and sound'. So insistent in fact that trackers, locks and freedom in windows are how I've learnt to love. It's why ownership sounds so appealing at times, why the fucked up roma...

I have always lived on the ledge of a building.       In 1957 there was a team of scientists who helped work on these atomic bombs but were firmly against the utilization of them. They set a sort of doomsday clock, a metaphorical countdown to how close we are to total nuclear anhiliation. I think I have my own doomsday clock of sorts. From the time I was born I could hear it, ringing in my ears; this ticking, ticking countdown to the end date, ticking to my deadline. I hear it, even now, as I type this out.            Despite all upheavels, changes I make in pursuit of silencing it, it just continues to tick away.      So I seek comfort in other people, I pray maybe they can silence the noise of it for a time. They do, really, they do manage but when I retreat to my bedroom once more and sit there in the noise I have the same sinking feeling of "there's no stopping me from me".       So, as a result of ...

I have seen the light! ...The stage lights, that is.      We will do almost anything to feel seen, and yet ironically in this digital age we can hardly go out to buy groceries without it being documented by a stray camera. I myself am aware of my own desperate need to be told I am correct and I actively fight against public opinion influencing my decisions. So what is it to have a career that's foundations are based upon blind worship?      Influencers are a fascinating thing to witness; they are this worship of the spotlight concentrated into pretty, young packaging in a way celebrities couldn't be previously simply due to a lack of the constant cameras that exist now. Social media as a whole as allowed us to fastrack anybody onto a stage. I am currently utilizing that very tool now, typing all this out to the void standing on my purchased newfangled stage.      I feel the youtube channel by the name of Poppy really made this point fantasti...

  I’d die again and again for you... I have spent a lot of my life cutting pieces of myself off to keep others fed. Bleeding myself when they were thirsty; slicing and dicing till the ground would run red. I've spent a lot of my life lighting myself on fire to keep others warm. It extends to everyone I know and is something I'm aware is truly my own fault and not something others of my peer group could be expected to recognize. I also recognize that I like to think I'm sacrificing something others who have been working to keep me stable have not so that I don't have to acknowledge how very taxing my own existence likely has been to many... and yet they hold on. I had to flee to feel alive again. I spent a lot of time hopping from place to place, then made one final leap towards the vague outline of a future. It has both saved and ruined me in many ways, as most things manage to do to me. Humanity is a deeply weird species. Which is partially what this whole song/rambl...