takin it all for us

“Women are born with pain built in, it’s our physical destiny: period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives, men don’t. They have to seek it out, they invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we do very well on our own. And then they create wars so they can feel things and touch each other and when there aren’t any wars they can play rugby. We have it all going on in here inside, we have pain on a cycle for years and years and years and then just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes, the f***ing menopause comes, and it is the most wonderful f***ing thing in the world. And yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get f***ing hot and no one cares, but then you’re free, no longer a slave, no longer a machine with parts. You’re just a person.” - Fleabag    I, myself, am nowhere fucking near menopause but it doesn't...

So, I'm a big My Chemical Romance fan in case you couldn't tell by the... everything about me.      Gerard Way is a fascinating human being to me, in a way that I rarely get invested in celebrites. I attribute this mostly to my method of introduction to this band. Allow me to set the scene for you; It's summer of 2019, I've just gotten off my second to last year of high school. It was a wild year for me indeed with me finally taking steps to free myself of my marionette strings and now being thrown into a world of new potential freedoms. Now, without even a structure to my days I am confronted by a freedom I don't know what to do with.           Towards the middle of the school year I was sort of reintroduced to a girl I'd known in passing for a while. She was... so pretty. So very pretty, but I was a gay little idiot who didn't quite understand how to recognize attraction let alone act upon it. We grew closer and closer yet in a short yet in...

 “I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat.  What to like, what to hate, what to rage about. What to listen to, what band to like.  What to buy tickets for. What to joke about, what to not joke about.  I want someone to tell me what to believe in. Who to vote for and who to love and how to tell them.  I think I just want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father,  because so far I think I've been getting it wrong.” -Fleabag, s2  I think that having zero free will when you're a child heavily impacts your views of your autonomy for the rest of your life... but hey, maybe that's just me.      The man who lived in my house, who donned the mask of father from time to time, was very insistent on my being all 'safe and sound'. So insistent in fact that trackers, locks and freedom in windows are how I've learnt to love. It's why ownership sounds so appealing at times, why the fucked up roma...

I have always lived on the ledge of a building.       In 1957 there was a team of scientists who helped work on these atomic bombs but were firmly against the utilization of them. They set a sort of doomsday clock, a metaphorical countdown to how close we are to total nuclear anhiliation. I think I have my own doomsday clock of sorts. From the time I was born I could hear it, ringing in my ears; this ticking, ticking countdown to the end date, ticking to my deadline. I hear it, even now, as I type this out.            Despite all upheavels, changes I make in pursuit of silencing it, it just continues to tick away.      So I seek comfort in other people, I pray maybe they can silence the noise of it for a time. They do, really, they do manage but when I retreat to my bedroom once more and sit there in the noise I have the same sinking feeling of "there's no stopping me from me".       So, as a result of ...

  I’d die again and again for you... I have spent a lot of my life cutting pieces of myself off to keep others fed. Bleeding myself when they were thirsty; slicing and dicing till the ground would run red. I've spent a lot of my life lighting myself on fire to keep others warm. It extends to everyone I know and is something I'm aware is truly my own fault and not something others of my peer group could be expected to recognize. I also recognize that I like to think I'm sacrificing something others who have been working to keep me stable have not so that I don't have to acknowledge how very taxing my own existence likely has been to many... and yet they hold on. I had to flee to feel alive again. I spent a lot of time hopping from place to place, then made one final leap towards the vague outline of a future. It has both saved and ruined me in many ways, as most things manage to do to me. Humanity is a deeply weird species. Which is partially what this whole song/rambl...